How does she do it?

I'm a WAHM MAMA - that's a Work-At-Home Mum to the uninitiated. I attempt to juggle raising 2 rambunctious boys with establishing a glittering career as a freelance journalist and keeping my marriage on the rails. I'm also a bit OCD about hoovering. Anyone of those things is a full-time job on its own (I hoover A LOT) but doing them all does my head in, and yet, I wouldn't change a thing. Isn't that the definition on insanity?

Anyway, my youngest has just started nursery school and due the school's ridiculous policy of easing the kids in slooowly, he's only off my hands for a meagre 2 hours and 15 minutes just now. Which in actual terms equates to about 105 minutes in which to get my work done. Ok, 95 if you count the time spent hoovering therapeutically before I knuckle down. This state of affairs is often referred to as the 'Seventh Cycle of Hell'.

And this, is how I do it....

7.00am:         Extract numb legs from beneath husband's log-like limbs. Offer silent prayer of thanks that it's not yet morning.

7.05am:         Stifle sobs as alarm clock announces that it is indeed morning.

7.06am:         Patter of tiny feet: brace self for impact.

7.07am:         Greet Ben 10 and Spiderman with faux-cheery voice.

7.08am:         Plead guilty to charge of mistakenly calling Spiderman Ben 10 and vice versa and nod in agreement that I am indeed The Worst Mummy Ever.

7.10am:         Stagger downstairs, narrowly missing paralysis at the hands (paws?) of Stupid Bloody Cat.

7.11am:         Boil kettle.

7.12am:         Chair debate: Chocolate moons and stars are not a healthy breakfast.

7.13am:         Pour two large bowls of chocolate moons and stars.

7.14am:         Cajole Ben 10 and Spiderman to eat their breakfast.

7.15am:         Check emails. A commission! Do Happy Dance and celebrate with bowl of chocolate moons and stars.

7.20am:         Plunge into depths of panic. A commission! Scan diary in search of extra hours in day. Commiserate with second bowl of chocolate moons and stars.

7.23am:         Realise Spiderman and Ben 10 are MIA.

7.24am:         Retrieve said renegades from garden trampoline.Remove sodden socks and demand that Ben 10 and Spiderman eat their breakfast NOW.

7.26am:         Read inspiring email from case study for article about new philosophy of parenting about respecting the child and not issuing threats or punishment.

7.28am:         Scream at top of lungs that if Spiderman and Ben 10 do not eat their bloody breakfast their teachers will be hearing all about it and those Spiderman and Ben Ten costumes will go straight in the bin.

7.29am:         Boil kettle again.

7.30am:         Admit defeat. Bin half-eaten bowls of chocolate moons and stars.

7.33am:         Realise Spiderman has not done his homework.

7.34am:         Attempt to retrieve said homework from car boot, which is jammed shut.

7.36am:         Place frantic call to husband cleverly insinuating that he is in some way to blame for mechanical failure of the boot.

7.40am:         Miracle! Husband's soothing tones alone have worked their wonder on the boot. Celebrate by making cup of tea.

7.45am:         Endure 15 minutes of Ben 10's zeal-like passion for homework.

8.00am:         Wrestle Ben 10 and Spiderman into uniforms, forgetting to put pants on one and dressing them in each other's t-shirts.

8.01am:         Put CBeebies on and lose track of time on Facebook. It’s for work, y’know.

8.17am:         Speed-shower to the strains of Ben 10 torturing Spiderman just for kicks.

8.20am:         Get dressed in bleach-stained yoga pants, third-hand t shirt and mismatched socks.

8.30am:         Engage in unexpected but energizing game of Hunt The School Shoes.

8.45am:         Deposit Spiderman at school and wait outside Nursery with Ben 10 who hisses Don't Want To Go To Nursery in ever more urgent tones.

8.55am:         Extrapolate klingon from ankles and hiss in threatening tone that Nursery Is Not Negotiable whilst smiling beatifically at staff.

9.00am:         Drive home at breakneck speed to find front door wide open.

9.01am:         Pour cold cup of tea away and make fresh brew.

9.02am:         Revel in joy of knowing 2 hours of uninterrupted work time beckons.

9.03am:         Realise have forgotten press release promised to disgruntled friend / unpaying client 3 days ago.

9.04am:         Check emails, Facebook, Daily Mail, twitter and indulge in daily witty repartee with New Best Friend: stranger met on internet forum.

10.04am:       Wonder where on earth the time has gone?

10.05am:       Make cup of tea.

10.10am:       Write press release in between biscuit breaks and further online chat.

10.40am:       Realise library books are overdue. Have quick hunt for missing book.

11.05am:       Break speed limit to reach Nursery on time.

11.10am:       Collect Spiderman who whines all the way home. Wants to stay at Nursery.

11.30am:       Wonder who made house a bomb-site?

12 – 2:          Suffer acute guilt pangs from trying to work whilst actively encouraging 3 year old to watch TV against his will.

2.00pm:         Collect Spiderman from school.

3.00pm          Abandon all hope of work and invite friend over for playdate and cake instead.

5.00pm:         Absent-mindedly rush children through tea / bath / bed routine, while mentally composing urgent article for national paper.

7.00pm:         Wonder if nightly glass of wine really is making me an alcoholic?

8.00pm:         Attempt to write article with decidedly squiffy head.

10.00pm:       Watch Flash Forward in attempt to bond with husband.

10.02pm:        Fall asleep on sofa.

11.00pm:        Wake in time to climb into bed, fully clothed, dreaming about missing deadlines.

Is this your day - and if so, how do YOU do it? Any tips for juggling life, motherhood and the aiming- for-something-resembling-happy way, please share!

You can check out more about Heidi by clicking.... here 

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