Sex, Christmas and the married woman

With the touchpaper that is Christmas looming ever nearer, the prospect of there being tidings of comfort and joy between you and your partner is becoming less and less likely, with cracks appearing daily over the festive arrangements. From fall-outs over who is doing all the work (it’s not you, it’s me), why you have no wish to negotiate up from spending 3 days with the in-laws, and why you don’t like tinsel on your tree (it’s tacky - everyone thinks so), your relationship may be heading into dangerous territory. So why not avoid a meltdown around the tree this year by exercising your conjugal rights (not by the tree. That’s disgusting). Admittedly, it may not be fashionable, but it could get you out of a hole this Christmas. If that’s not an oxymoron. 

I was discussing sex in long-term relationships with a friend the other day. Like you do. And, marriage ( my friend argued, was a contract, and as part of that contract, a husband and wife promise to love, honour (or not) and obey each-other which includes, according to my friend, having sex. ‘Sex’ she told me, was a ‘contractual obligation’ that’s why it’s called a conjugal right (not a privilege).

Now this friend is a modern woman, she’s strong, she’s independent. She’s certainly no Betty Draper, but this was her thing. If you want to have a good relationship - treat sex like a contractual obligation. Like paying the congestion charge, or not smoking in front of your best friends newborn.

And mulling over and over this one, I came to the conclusion that my friend, let’s call her, Pandora, might just be rIght.

Let’s look at the evidence: it’s late, you are tired - the kids have been giving you hell all day long, your legs need a wax, you’ve eaten your weight in carbonara, and your hair smells. Cue partner/husband/wife/whatever... uttering that immortal line... fanciy a quickie?’  You try to control your outrage. Can’t he or she tell it’s gone 10pm on a school-night? And so you mutter something about ‘not being in the mood’ while you reach for your bedtime reading.  Which has probably got some perfectly nice sex scenes in, but won’t leave lying on a damp patch when you put it down.

Of course conjugal rights aren’t alway a good idea. That goes without saying. Almost.  Some women (and men) need protection from a contract they may have been forced into. And what about partners that have perhaps been misled into a marriage contract. What about Debbie McGee?

Sex allows couples to pay attention to each-other. Even if it’s only for...oh I don’t know...a coupla minutes. You’ve got to focus. And in those precious few minutes the fact that he (or she) always leaves buying the Xmas tree to the last minute, never does the wrapping (oh but, you’re sooo much better at it) and then buys you something crap from Next. Well it matters a little less.

And so in conclusion my friend and I realised in a predictably missionary-positioned epiphany - that if we could somehow remember that sex was a lot more fun than it sounds....and is actually more entertaining than a new episode of Spooks. Then we wouldn’t spend all year behaving like bitter little hamsters sprinting round the circular negative reinforcements in our couples-behaviour, and we’d actually be really nice to each- other.

And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

This article was first published on the delicious Alphamummy blog at the Timesonline.

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