Stage fright, baby fright and bubble baths

Wriggle, jab, spasm, swell, waddle. I'm kinda done with pregnancy. A fact I announced loudly to anyone within ear-shot when it felt like one twin was attempting to punch his way to freedom while the other practiced future football skills on my spine. The trouble is I am not convinced I'm ready for the next installment. This leaves me somewhere between a rock and a hard place.

At 35 weeks I am rather disappointed to have come to the end of the bright and breezy pregnancy days I have been fortunate to enjoy thus far. I have suddenly entered the realms of fat feet and backache. Although back 'ache' is a little misleading. 'Twin twinge' might be more appropriate. Or 'sibling spasm' perhaps. I understand things must be getting a little cramped and tedious in there but it feels like my vital organs are being used as playthings whenever they get a bit bored. I'd rather hoped they could spend this time practicing how to get on and be the bestest of well behaved brothers. Having previously worried about how fragile they will be on arrival I am beginning to think they will be just fine. They feel robust enough to take care of themselves on the mean streets of London already - streets that I have ceased to visit because these days I am happiest shuffling from the bed, to the bath tub, to the sofa.

Home is beginning to feel unfamiliar. Like a stage set for a play I don't know. I find myself gazing at our Blooming Marvellous scenery that is ready and waiting for Act 1 Scene 1 to commence.  The rainbow bouncers and super large comfy colourful play mat look vibrant and welcoming... We just need the remaining cast members to arrive. The trouble is I'm terrified. Stage fright. Baby fright. I don't know what my role is let alone my lines. I know my character is called 'Mum' but what else do I know about her? Is she calm and patient and in control or nervous and tense and paranoid? Competent, incompetent, loving or lousy? Does she struggle for the right word at the right time or know just what to do?  

I know that during the 8 months of rehearsals to date ‘Mum’ has been less than perfect. Here is a list of confessions, mistakes and not quite exemplary acts of Motherhood already undertaken by moi…

I ate an egg mayonnaise sandwich even though I knew mayo was on the 'best avoided' list.

I ate peanut butter (although in my defence this was consumed when I thought it was a good source of pregnancy protein and not a fellow 'best avoided' companion of the aforementioned mayo).

I drank six glasses of champagne (not entirely unforgivable but not perfect either).

I worked with my laptop resting on my bump, which, in retrospect, wasn't the best idea (all that radioactive computer energy stuff).

I wore party heels and under-wired bras for as long as possible before conceding that my body wasn't really my own anymore and resorted to flat shoes and soft, sensible bras.

Maybe lessons learned about maternal guilt during the ‘rehearsals’ will make Mum a better character in the long run. A character that would rather be a supporting role than a lead, albeit a supporting role worthy of an Oscar thanks to the way she brings out the very best in the two characters making debut appearances…